Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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