I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
