I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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