How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
