He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize