Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
