Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize