My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
