Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
