i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize