I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
