Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize