Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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