If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
