im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize