A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
