i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
