Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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