Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
