Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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