i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
