Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Couch. On fire.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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