I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
