I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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