I am spending my child support on dildos
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
