cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
