So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
