My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I have post one night stand depression
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