Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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