apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize