I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
