Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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