i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
