bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
