If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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