threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
