Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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