if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize