The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
