Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
