I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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