Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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