I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
