My Higher Power is John Stamos
We got so high we made milksteak
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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