I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
