I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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