That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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