I'm gonna have a badass scar
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
