Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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