if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
