booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
