I'm sorry my penis didn't work
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
