Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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