I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
