just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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