The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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