I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
