i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
