rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
