Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
