Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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