I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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