I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
